I Die
by Renee Maria
Summary: Help wanted! Not sure how to proceed with the story. Go to the end of Chapter 5 to help.
1. Chapter 1: Is this how I go?

Chapter 1:

He opens his eyes and smiles.

"I wasn't expecting you," he whispers hoarsely.

The nurse turns her head. He is awake. She watches as he reaches towards her so gently, as if touching a sheet of glass.

"Sir, is everything alright?" she asks, concerned.

_Is this how I go? The world has turned me into a freak, into the empty shell of what used to be a man. I can remember the day when it began..._


	2. Chapter 2: Nightmares

Chapter 2:

I soon found out that the back alleyways really are the only place for a good nightmare.

"Monsieur!" A dark haired woman stands with an outstretched leg on the edge of the walkway. "Monsieur!"

I turn my face away and tighten the collar of my coat around my neck. However, she is relentless. She steps off the walkway and into the alley, following close behind me. Quickly, I turn around and step back at the sight of her. Her bruised face, cigarette stained hands, tattered garments, darkened eyes.

"Monsieur..." as she raises her eyes to meet mine.

"Please..." I take another step back.

"I have a place for you, Monsieur. Why don't you just come with me." She motions seductively and reaches out to touch my arm.

I flinch and stare in disgust at the sight before me. She pulls back her arm.

"Or maybe I shouldn't waste my time," as she cackles and throws her head back.

"I'm sorry." I shake my head and turn away. I can hear her laughing and before I have gone another twenty steps I hear her in the distance: "Hey, baby, come with me..."

The tears come with out even knowing it. How it must have been for Satine, having to put on such an act, having to do those things she never wanted to do just because she thought she had no choice.

And suddenly my tears turned to swelling anger. I hadn't felt such a feeling since the day my father told me I would never be worth anything to anyone. How could Zidler have done that to her? How could he allow her to put herself through such a dark and lonely existence?


	3. Chapter 3: Silence

Chapter 3:

The underworld becomes quiet very late at night. I would have never guessed that it ever would. After midnight, you can hear only the doors clicking shut and the demons coming out of the walls with their shrieks and moans, howls and cries. By the deepest depths of the night, all that can be heard is the occasional click clack of a woman's foot on the wet pavement, or a quick exchange of payment.

Most courtesans take payment in advance, but there are some who wait until the night is over, wanting to make sure that they get everything they deserve and more. Greed comes out in everyone; the courtesan, bargaining a steep price for something she knows the rich cannot live without; the rich, bargaining to keep some of their riches, but in the end, giving up whatever is asked of them just to have that one night.

After weeks in the alleys, I finally came out to the world above for a breath. I found my way to my garret and sunk to the floor. That was when I realized that I didn't have to sulk and drink my way to death. I had another option. And so, I decided I would become insane.

Two weeks later I admitted myself. I found the company of Satine returning to me as quickly as she had left. She was there in my dreams, but it was more than that. I could almost feel her, and for a while, I believed that maybe I really was insane.

"He came in off the streets, says crazy things about love and a girl, I can't recall her name," they said. "He sees things that aren't real."

I could remember other things that 'weren't real' that I had always believed in. Love, for example, was one of those things.

As my father said, "You can't waste your life looking for something that isn't there. You'll only find disappointment in its place."

Had Satine been a disappointment? Had I just imagined her as well? No, and yet, I found that there was no way to explain my feelings, to convince these lifeless, loveless beings that it had been real. What is a life without love?

And then that one lonely day I returned to the Moulin Rouge...


	4. Chapter 4: Dancing

Chapter 4:

I walked down those alleyways and past my old garret. I followed the familiar path and gazed up at the deserted elephant. I could see her standing there, on the edge, looking over. I climbed up the side and ran towards the balcony, onto the elephant's head, throwing my arms out and looking up at the stars where we had danced.

"Oh, Satine. What a beautiful night for dancing." I sighed and stepped back. A cold chill blew through the air, one that hadn't been there before. And suddenly, I noticed a figure walking down below me. She wore a veil, but underneath I could see a wisp of copper hair blowing in the breeze.

I reacted quickly, making my way down the side of the elephant in a flash. I had to find her. When I had come out of the underworld for the first time, I had noticed how dead the Moulin Rouge had seemed. Everyone was gone. None of the lights or excitement had remained after the diamond had faded. This figure was the first person I had seen inside the Moulin's walls since Satine's death.

I chased after her, around the corner, back out onto the street. She seemed to quicken her pace as if she knew I was just behind her, catching up.

"Excuse me," I said cautiously, not wanting to frighten her. She stopped but wouldn't turn around. And then I just let myself believe for one moment as I whispered "Satine..."

She dropped to the pavement and began to sob. I approached her slowly and knelt beside her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just imagine things sometimes, that's all." I was afraid that she wouldn't speak to me. I wanted so badly for her to tell me what had happened to this place, what had happened to the people. I hoped that she knew.

"You don't understand, Christian. I can't see you. You shouldn't be here."

"How...Satine!" I turned her around to see her beautiful face. "How is this possible?!" Tears streamed down my face as I spoke.

"It's not, Christian. You see, this is me, this is how it would have been, this is what I would have become without you." She turned and looked me in the eyes for the first time. And then I saw it. Her beautiful face was covered in scars and bruises.

"What has happened to you, darling? Who did this to you?!" I felt the rage burning inside.

"I did, Christian. And you saved me. You saved me from a world of suffering and pain. I can never thank you enough for what you have done for me. Now I must go. You understand, I have business to attend to." She stood and covered her face with the veil.

"Satine," I jumped up and took her hand but she pulled away from me.

"You can't... you can't see me again. You needed to know, Christian. You never could believe the things I did, never wanted to. Now you know. Now you see how it was. I just wanted you to understand."

"But, Satine, you can't leave me again! Please..." I begged her.

"I'm not," she whispered. A small smile started to spread across her face. "I never left you, Christian." She reached up and pressed her palm against my wet cheek. "I've always been here."

She turned around and I watched her cross the street into the alley. My body shook in the cold, harsh rain that had just begun to fall. I dropped to my knees again. I felt weak, like I would never be able to stand again. The last thing I saw was the pavement as I fell forward.


	5. Chapter 5: Last Night's Rain

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Chapter 5:

"You'll never amount to anything."

"You can't expect to make it writing silly little stories about love and beauty."

"Don't you know how life works, boy? You have to grow up!"

"How can you be so naïve? Your fantasy life has got to end!"

"You'll end up wasting your life at the Moulin Rouge with a can-can dancer."

"Wasting your life!"

"Wasting your life!"

"You've wasted your life!"

There were no words for me to say. My throat would not allow a sound to escape. I could here my father's thundering voice all around me but I couldn't see him, couldn't see anything but darkness...

My fist slammed into the pavement and my eyes shot open. The metallic taste of blood coated the inside of my mouth. I spat the thick blood onto the pavement. A carriage pummeled through a puddle on the edge of the street, splashing last night's rain onto my back and face. I tried to pull myself up off the ground, struggling to gain balance. A wave of nausea passed through me and I clutched my stomach as I braced myself against the wall of the building next to me.

My father's voice had only been a dream. I could remember it so well, the words he had spoken to me just before I left him. I vowed never to return to him, no matter what happened. If I had listened, if I had followed his advice, I would have never fallen in love, never held the most spectacular being on earth. I would never regret a moment of my life.

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A/N: I think I have figured out where to go from here. Shouldn't be too long before I update... Maybe this weekend. Thanks for the reviews!


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